Monday, December 12, 2011

They say I've got brains but they ain't doing me no good...

Ah life.

It's very exciting to be growing a baby, surreal and all sorts of things, but it is exciting. Our little girl is big enough now for me to feel her moving about which is kind of like a nice little secret reminder that things are still happening in there. I haven't been able to feel anything from the outside with my hands to let Franklin in on this recent change, but I'm sure we will soon enough.

Given what I have written above and comparing it to the weekend I have had and the way I've been feeling for the past few weeks, today I must be on an emotional 'upswing' of sorts. Up until now I have been thinking that emotionally I have been pretty stable, and mentally I've been coping with the busyness at work and at home. This week and weekend it has dawned on me (read: brought unavoidably and forcefully home to me) that this is no longer the case.

For example: I approved the new business cards run for all the people in our NSW office. All with the wrong logo tag line. Printed and delivered. As the resident logo nazi, and the only person whose job it is to make sure this kind of this is right, this is not a mistake I would usually make.

I find that not having either the mental dexterity or the emotional reserves or stability I'm used to having is actually hard to admit to and talk about with people, even with Franklin. Unsurprisingly it has been easiest to tell my Mum about it as I know she has been through all this pregnancy business (4 times) and she very rarely requires mental acuity or emotional support from me.

To my own ears it just sounds like whinging and like admitting to failing, and talking about it feels like inviting other people to have opinions about it.

But I have come to 'the crunch' where I need to admit to myself that I am not now who I was 6 months ago, and I need to slow down. And I need to ask for help.* I even feel like I need to send an email around at work asking people to triple check my work due to my pregnant brain's inability to function at it's normal rate, but I can't quite come at that.

This morning as Franklin programmed weekend 2-hourly reminders for me to stop and rest into his phone, it occurred to me that while the hormonal effects of pregnancy have stood the test of time, the way in which we plan to and deal with things has changed quite a lot.

So there you go, it's down in writing, only 4 months to survive through being stupider and emotional then I can expect for at least some of it to come back to me. Right?

* I know some of my friends follow this blog, so as a footnote can I ask (nicely of course) that if I don't ask you for some kind of help, please don't try and help anyway or bring this up to talk about. It's still pretty new for me and my pride hasn't quite been brought into line enough for me to be able to tell you I won't just blow you off, or react defensively. Besides which there's also the to-a-certain-extent uncontrollable hormone-factor for which you may need to make allowances.

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